*I wrote this post about a month ago when I was in a low point. cycling, family, work. it was a perfect storm of me sitting on my couch stressing about life. I’m normally a fairly chilled person, so this level of stress really threw me. I’m still working through stuff, but life is back on track.
Everyone who cycles does it for a reason. It clears my head, it let’s me get into my head, it let’s me escape my head. I like the sense of accomplishment at the end of a hard session. That sense of belief when I do something that seemed impossible. I love the data crunching and looking back.
But right now cycling is not fun. I mentally checked out months ago. I gave up just after nationals. I killed it, did my best racing, won a national title, and was told not good enough. I won an elite national title and I’m not happy. It sounds silly, and it will sink in. But I feel like I’ve hit this wall, I’m not impressing the selectors, and I want to go back to cycling for me. I still want to race, but no more trying to make times for teams.
I have always said 30 is my best before date. The plan has always been, if I’m not doing big things, I’ll get a job.
On my return to Australia, I had my first chance to race the keirin in my Canadian suit, that day I found out my grandmother died. So I went from feeling like I wasn’t ready to race again to I’m not ready and mentally a basket case. I raced like shit. But came through for a really good keirin.
Back in Sydney, I get an e- mail; it says nationals this year is only for state team members, no independents, no internationals. This blows. I’m now nearly 2 months out of condition with 2 weeks to prep for states. I’m out of work, and NSW won’t pick me anyways cause I’m Canadian. I had a big cry about that. I was done. I’m out. The next week of training sucked. I didn’t want to be there and I was just running through the motions.
The state champs. I’m the only NSW rider riding. And there are 3 of us. So not only will I not be chosen, I won’t get any good racing. My motivation levels are non existent. At this point I’ve set myself up for an early season ender. I’ve dropped the bar so low nothing will disappoint me.
Oh yay, one more NSW girl racing! That makes 4 elites. Sarcastic *joy of joys* so I ruck up to the states, did an abysmal 200 (12.4) finish with a bronze. Got psyched for the one lap screamer (20.9 still slow) then the keirin (bronze). This was actually my best showing at the state champs, I felt no joy. On a side note, sorry to anyone who said congrats and go a lukewarm response. I appreciate the cheers, it was just hard for me to be excited.
So that was it. I had a chat with Carl, I needed to get my head back for the austral wheel race. Getting a job and going back to the gym is helping.
I’m racing Bowral today, so hopefully the keirin will help with my mood. I am such a grumpy sprinter right now.
Oh ya, so it turns out after setting the bar super low and de motivating myself I got named on the nsw long squad. Same thing, if it was any other year I would be over the moon, but right now, I’m just over it.
It feels like I was chosen because I was the only one there. It might just be me being grumpy, but although I’m on the squad, I feel like they don’t wants me there. All the training with the squad is middle of the day during the week. I’m the only one old enough to need a job to pay rent. Nothing in the evenings or on weekends… So although I’m on the list, I still get no training, no support, no one to make my training accountable.
At this point nationals still seems off the cards, so motivating after demotivating is a struggle. This sucks, this is the best I’ve been, but the worst I’ve felt.
I just need some time to find the fun again.
*Since the article was written I had what seemed to be a minor crash at Bowral. I cracked a helmet and lost some skin in the warm up, but went on to win a few races, and totally smash the keirin. As the night went on, I realized I had a head injury, and my knee was fairly mashed. Turns out I’ve aggravated a bursa. I can train/race through it, but my power is down and pain is up.
I’ve been back to Melbourne to race again. I did the UCI sprints at the Austral. Because of the injury, and my mental space I bombed out and did a 12.5 in the 200, but managed to back it up to finish 6th in the sprint and 5th in the keirin.
I had a chat with Carl, and I’m done for the season. I’m done for a while. I don’t want a stop watch on anything until the ITS Melbourne Series in May/June. Then depending on my job, my results, and how I feel, I’ll go back to making goals for bigger things.
** In other news, I just raced the Sydney Christmas Carnivals. As a sprinter I had to dig deep to complete the 5 days, I also had to dig super deep to gain points in the endurance events. Although I’m still injured, slightly unfit, and training through I managed a 3rd overall in the largers most talented womens A fileds I’ve ever been in. (had so much fun) I also picked up some cash in the Mixed Madison after holding hands with my boyfriend for a week (also, so much fun!)
***Finally I’ll be down in Melbourne for the 4th round of the Summer Sprint series. January 10th, at Blackburn track, see you there, it’s going to be a Party!